Welcome again to the most recent version of STATTS (Stories, Thoughts, and Titties…simply kidding, TikToks, however I promise the TikToks are nearly nearly as good). Like penicillin pictures in a Bourbon Street minute clinic, we’re again for an additional spherical child! Every week I get to jot down this column with out being cancelled is just a little present from the running a blog gods, so in the event you like what you’re studying, you’ll want to blow up the boss’s Twitter with common sized penis jokes and crappy tales of your individual. This method, he’ll know that the STATTS crew is for actual. Not large but, however girthy. Efficient, however not gaudy. Not too large to fail, however large enough to make an impression.
Last week, we huddled within the handicapped stall for a story of thriller, intrigue, and gravitas: the Legend of the Potato Dumper. If you didn’t get an opportunity to learn it, go test it out, after which be ready to order the vegetable medley tonight along with your steak. We even discovered a pleasant ethical to the story about pushing your self to your limits in an effort to obtain greatness, so actually, it was inspirational greater than comical, which is all the time good.
Without planning it, I’ve observed that each opening monologue to this point has had some form of ethical connected—some critical and a few not—so I imagine it’s high-time we acquired down on one knee and made it official. From this present day ahead, I dub Part One of STATTS “The Morality Clause,” in honor of contracts meant to carry hellraisers to a sure behavioral normal in order to not deliver disrepute or scandal to all events concerned. May these contracts be simply damaged and loosely enforced—free just like the sphincter of the Potato Dumper himself. Here, right here. On to Part One!
PART I – The Morality Clause
“Highballs and Basketballs”
Today’s cautionary story comes from the very finish of my junior yr of highschool, a time in each younger man’s life when good selections don’t all the time make it to the web page. I used to be 17 and summer time break was nearly to start, which made it a really thrilling time, certainly. Scoring booze was about to change into my new favourite passion.
I had been raised in a household the place consuming wasn’t shamed, nevertheless it actually wasn’t inspired. Like gays within the army, there was an air of don’t ask, don’t inform that hung heavy in our home, and I revered that. Needless to say, although, I used to be curious and able to push the boundaries.
In Nashville, Tennessee, an annual ceremony of passage generally known as the Iroquois Steeplechase rips by means of excessive society like a hurricane on the finish of spring, and by the point 2005 rolled round, I used to be able to see what all of the fuss was about. If you’ve by no means been, it’s a large all-day tailgate in the course of a big tract of land surrounded by a horse path. Everyone attire to the nines and drinks from solar as much as sunset because the races happen round you. When you’re younger and decided to binge drink all day, even seeing a horse is taken into account an accomplishment. As far as I used to be involved on that first Steeplechase, the races didn’t even occur. It was merely a mad sprint to see what consuming felt like and to keep away from getting noticed by any directors from my highschool.
All instructed, it was the most effective days of my younger life, even when I can’t keep in mind a lot of it 16 years later. Steeplechase seemingly all the time delivers: through the years, I’ve tossed the soccer with OutKick’s personal Chad Withrow, I met my future boss Clay Travis one time within the infield and simply shot the shit for ten minutes with him, and I’ve stared at a few of the finest sundresses that the South has to supply. It’s a Saturday that rivals (if not tops) any fall soccer tailgate…sure, even my beloved Ole Miss Grove…and I encourage everybody to make the pilgrimage at the very least as soon as. Problem was, that spring I popped my Steeple cherry, I additionally had different commitments; ones that don’t precisely combine in addition to beer and Jell-O pictures do for a teen.
I instructed you in my inaugural STATTS (earlier than we even named it STATTS) that I’m 6’4”, the final two inches of which got here because of a development spurt earlier that faculty yr. This is necessary as a result of as a basketball participant, I had come up as a small ahead with some vary as a shooter. But as I acquired older and taller, the coaches moved me to the block, and I rapidly realized that I wasn’t practically soiled sufficient as a participant to bang our bodies with precise energy forwards and facilities.
The finest participant I ever confronted was 6’11” Brandan Wright, an absolute freak who would have gone straight from highschool to the NBA if not for the one-and-done rule that acquired applied our senior yr. He led his group to 4 straight state titles (f*cking stud) after which did his one-year school sentence at UNC earlier than rattling off a powerful 13-year taking part in profession within the NBA. (He was the most effective participant by 1,000,000 miles that anybody had ever seen on the time in Middle Tennessee, however within the Association his finest offensive season was simply 9.1 PPG with Dallas in 2013—goes to indicate how good these dudes are within the NBA). I knew that my senior season was going to be remembered as a buffet of nuts in my face if I didn’t toughen up and be taught to make him uncomfortable, so I attempted out for, and ultimately joined, an AAU group with hopes of getting higher at basketball.
And it labored. I didn’t decelerate Brandan in anyway in our two video games the subsequent fall, however I undoubtedly acquired meaner, stronger, and dirtier by taking part in journey ball. Plus, he by no means dunked on me as soon as, one thing I’m nonetheless pleased with to this present day. Honestly, studying to actually compete was the one method I might get minutes on that summer time group. Everyone was extra polished, so I turned a junkyard canine: stepping on toes and boxing out children who had D-1 provides earlier than their senior season. It wasn’t fairly, however I confirmed up daily with my lunch pale and kicked ass, slowly evolving from punch line to midway first rate basketball participant. Most importantly, I used to be constant and dependable; that’s, till Steeplechase rolled round.
This is what I imply after I say a 17-year previous mind isn’t totally functioning: for some cause I believed I might booze all day after which go play an AAU recreation throughout city, and can be completely tremendous. It was the dumbest resolution I made till two years later after I thought I wanted 6 (six!!!) handles of whiskey for a week-long journey in Panama City for Spring Break (one per day), however that’s one other story fully.
When I acquired to the sport, I could have smelled like a pool corridor, however I used to be swagalicious. I used to be drunk and feeling myself. The lunky bruiser that everybody was anticipating had a complete case of liquid confidence in his system and was able to f*cking dominate some children that night time. I used to be calling for the rock, yelling out performs, chattering like by no means earlier than, jacking up three balls and holding the end, smack speaking the opposite group, smack speaking my very own group; simply an absolute bull in a China store. Could I run and lower with a lot accuracy? No. Did I overrun a number of quick breaks and crash into the padded wall by the cheerleaders? Yes. But dammit, I used to be a person possessed, and my whole group took discover.
These have been a bunch of youngsters, and though I assumed they have been all extra world-wise and skilled than myself on the time, trying again it’s clear that they have been simply children, too, confused by what they have been seeing however undecided what was taking place. When they requested the place I had been that day, I nonchalantly instructed them a horserace, which I feel made the state of affairs even stranger to them. After all, Nashville isn’t precisely Churchill Downs, and these children have been from every kind of random suburbs throughout city. What kind of horse race would do that to their quiet, contemplative teammate? Surely my coaches knew, however what have been they going to do? Bench me for being too passionate? I introduced the thunder that afternoon, and we received simply due to it.
That’s what confidence is: being somebody you’re not, and in flip changing into the person who you’ve all the time really been, however have been too scared to set free. Funny sufficient, though that day might have gone sideways in 1,000,000 methods, it truly earned me a great deal of respect from my group, who doubtless noticed me as a goofy non-public faculty child who didn’t slot in as much as that time. They discovered I had a pointy tongue and a hefty nut sack that may very well be unleashed on them at a second’s discover, and the remainder of the summer time was actually a humorous mixture of being accepted and studying find out how to play the sport at a better degree. It had taken a day of underage consuming to actually change into my truest self–at the very least for a day–and I felt just like the King of the World that night time till I puked within the fitness center trash can.
I’m not advocating alcohol because the remedy to the trendy, reluctant ego (fairly truthfully, I not often drink anymore ), however I do see the worth in letting your self be your self as usually as attainable, even in the event you suppose it will likely be rejected or scorned by the world round you. Quite usually, the other truly occurs: the world exalts your willingness to be your self as a result of they subconsciously acknowledge the fearlessness inside you, after which want they’d what you had. It’s humorous how a lot we self-sabotage when it’s a lot extra enjoyable to let free. Just be careful for fitness center partitions and attempt to keep out of foul hassle once you do.
Moral of the story: all the time pregame for the true recreation.
PART II – Random STATTS (nonetheless wants an official title; I’m considering perhaps title it after an actual particular person.)
1. Goodbye of the week:
My affable colleague Clint Lamb is ending up his two weeks’ discover in the present day at OutKick and is now headed to On3 the place will get to manage Crimson Tide booster pictures all day to the Alabama devoted. I joked with Clint lately that being a very good co-worker and ‘liking’ his day by day Bama posts on Twitter have made the algorithm imagine that I, too, am a Bama fan, and that’s a stink you simply can’t wash off with cleaning soap. I don’t know loads about On3 but, but when co-founder Shannon Terry’s profitable digital publishing resume is any indication, it can change into a power within the trade, identical to Rivals, 247Sports, and others have been below his watch, too. In different phrases, you’re about to see a meteoric rise for Mr. Lamb within the SEC panorama, and I couldn’t be happier for the man. Everyone simply do me a favor and promise to verify in on him the day Saban lastly decides to retire. I’ve a sense there might be a variety of tissues and Sarah McLachlan being performed. Love ya pal!
2. Speaking of affection, how in regards to the self-care occurring in Fayetteville?
I’m an grownup and can NOT be making any masturbation jokes on this column, however good gracious how excited are the Arkansas boys for the beginning of faculty soccer? The rub routes, the 5 strategies, the stiff competitors. Not to say the wonderful College Gameday signal potential. I feel the Razorbacks are slowly transferring from the underside of my SEC totem pole to the tip of the iceberg.
3. Coolest playing second of the week:
Everyone has that story when the whole lot fell into place they usually ripped off a heater that introduced the on line casino to its knees. Pictures of normal people sitting in entrance of six determine paydays because of a loopy desk recreation facet wager hitting are like catnip to me. I’ve to click on, I’ve to stare into their souls, and I’ve to each love them and hate all of them on the identical time.
The closest I’ve ever come to being that man in actual life got here throughout the identical Vegas journey that spawned the Sick Haircut story from a number of weeks in the past. I had solely discovered to play craps a number of weeks prior, as a result of I knew there can be a second of camaraderie the place we’d all take over a desk collectively, and I didn’t wish to be the dolt sitting there taking part in the sphere as a result of I didn’t know the principles.
And that’s precisely what occurred. Around 3AM after an evening out collectively, the crew was strolling on air and determined to provide the Mirage some hell on the tables. There’s nothing higher than taking up a complete desk along with your buddies as a result of it’s the one recreation within the on line casino the place everybody wins or loses collectively (not fully correct, however you get the purpose). And child, we have been scorching. Even random degenerates up late have been crowding round to look at the madness.
When the cube acquired to me, the money was rolling in and I used to be feeling myself, after which proceeded to hit two factors and 6 numbers in a row myself. As the sellers have been paying out and everybody was high-fiving, I began pumping up the gang much more. Are You Not Entertained? On the come out roll, I tossed the stickman $200 for all of the hardways (an enormous wager for a man who was taking part in $15 go traces with odds). Sporting sufficient wooden to make an Arkansas freshman blush, I instructed him to maneuver the whole wager to the exhausting eight, as an alternative, working after all. I used to be calling my shot, and dammit if it didn’t ship on the very subsequent roll.
I made $1,800 on that roll alone, had pulled off a Great Bambino second, and couldn’t have felt any higher if Wonder Woman herself was ready for me upstairs. I had taken a few grand for the journey, blacked out, and wakened the subsequent day with over $5,000 within the kitty. Vegas child.
4. Vintage bombshell of the week:
I’m a blonde lover myself, however these Lynda Carter photos completely floored me, particularly the final one. What a stunner. I used to be born within the fallacious period.
5. 2021 second of the week:
Instead of sipping highballs with Wonder Woman, I’m compelled to look at Thunder Woman right here summon climate fairies and grind a boulder all the way down to a pebble along with her Fayetteville Fanny (that’s what the Australians name the girl bits and it makes me giggle each time). Again, born within the fallacious period.
6. Vintage bombshell of the week, half two:
This is rapidly changing into a photograph weblog and I’m tremendous with it. Like the Sandlot boys and an enormous pouch of chaw, I’ve been saving this subsequent image for a very good time.
Pretty cool, no? Here’s the fast backstory: I matched with the woman right here on a courting app 6 years in the past, and this was her cowl picture. We by no means ended up assembly so I don’t know her personally, which is why I edited her out. No clue how previous this image is (at the very least six years and alter), nevertheless it’s wonderful nonetheless. Big Cat seems to be like a child and Dave seems to be like he did earlier than the spray tans and Soul Cycle courses. I don’t suppose Barstool had even partnered with Chernin at this level. And how about our man CT? Apparently there was a picture of him circulating this week that he didn’t look after, so I’m right here to get that style out of your mouth. Looking like a GD stallion right here on this smut running a blog Mt. Rushmore pic. Everyone’s wealthy and well-known now, however this was again through the rise. Very cool.
7. Favorite Biden meme of the week:
8. Party bus of the week:
Reader Larry from Leb’nin, TN despatched me this pic with solely a small caption: Spotted in Destin. So many questions.
9. Dirty joke of the week:
What did Cinderella do when she acquired to the ball? Gagged just a little.
10. STATTS Bookclub: Power vs. Force by David R. Hawkins.
I instructed you final week that I wrote a self-development ebook, and Power vs. Force was considered one of my main influences. Plenty of the ebook is devoted to a neurological course of referred to as muscle testing, which you’ll or might not care to find out about, however the different main theme detailed is the dissection of affect, and find out how to make the world bend to your will. ‘Force’ is tough and exhausting, like pushing a boulder up a hill. ‘Power’ is straightforward and fluid; it depends upon leverage, and as such, has the power to sway the hearts and minds of tens of millions in the event you can be taught to faucet into it. Most folks reside their lives in ‘force,’ however ‘power’ is there for you, in the event you select it.
Imagine—what in the event you had entry to a easy yes-or-no reply to any query you wished to ask? A demonstrably true reply. Any query . . . give it some thought.— from the Foreword
We suppose we reside by forces we management, however the truth is we’re ruled by energy from unrevealed sources, energy over which we have now no management.— from the creator’s Preface
The universe holds its breath as we select, immediate by immediate, which pathway to observe; for the universe, the very essence of life itself, is extremely aware. Every act, thought, and selection provides to a everlasting mosaic; our selections ripple by means of the universe of consciousness to have an effect on the lives of all.— from Power vs. Force
PART III – MatchTik Men (2003) – Reminder, Volume Up
Not certain whether or not to chortle or cry at this one. On one hand, I feel it’s form of cool to develop up and not using a display in your face always. On the opposite hand, these children simply need a couple of minutes away from constructing barns and hand-washing dishes to look at some Saturday morning cartoons. My dad and mom joke that by the point I used to be three years previous, I might work the VCR and activate Nintendo on my own, which they beloved as a result of they acquired to sleep in a number of additional minutes within the mornings. But now I hate that my whole life is centered round screens, and I actively attempt to go hours with out taking a look at my cellphone. So for the third and last time, WRONG.ERA.
A+ filter utilization. So easy, so efficient. Sleeping by the belts, pouting on the escalator, simply swimming in his personal contempt. There’s an previous saying that in the event you ladies didn’t have boobs, us males wouldn’t discuss to any of you, and I feel this jabroni might have coined it himself.
Hey Clint, what did you concentrate on the kick-six recreation in 2013?
Hey Thunder Woman, do you know Russian collusion was confirmed to be a hoax?
***Read the particular announcement earlier than watching the subsequent batch!!!***
This is what TikTookay was earlier than it acquired fashionable in 2020. Even discovering these previous movies was a chore, however ever since beginning this spherical up at OutKick, I’ve been on the lookout for the these–the Holy Grail of TikToks. I couldn’t even discover it on the app; I needed to discover it on Instagram, however who cares, right here we’re, and I’m so excited.
Savor every of those movies, as a result of they’re the whole lot we love at STATTS. Absurd, unbelievable, and completely self-serious. I’m not even going to jot down jokes for them, as a result of truthfully, the jokes write themselves. Nothing I can say will rival their pure hilarity.
I’ll say, although, in the event you see considered one of these KINGS out on the bar tonight, you’ll want to purchase them a drink, however don’t make an excessive amount of eye contact. You by no means know who could also be sporting a secret barbed wire chest tat below that software program programming uniform.
Wow, what a roundup. Thanks a lot for stopping by and sending some fan mail every week. I really like that you just guys are having fun with this as a result of it’s a variety of enjoyable to jot down. Drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org and observe me on Twitter @outkicktommy. I really like this group and wish everybody who reads OutKick to find it irresistible, too. Cheers to a different Friday!
Cover picture through CBS/Getty Images.