On Friday, The New York Times ran a story detailing ‘Red Tourism,’ China’s state-sponsored propaganda theme parks which might be seeing big bumps in reputation with the federal government’s centennial birthday looming. To foster loyalty to the Chinese Communist Party, the nation’s one and solely allowed political social gathering, state officers and land builders have teamed as much as mix “patriotic education” with “eating, drinking, and having fun.” Traveling to one in every of these parks is taken into account a “pilgrimage” as a result of, based on President Xi Jinping, each attraction accommodates “moral nourishment” and guides younger individuals to determine the “correct” outlook on the world.
As a smelly West Coast liberal myself, I like communist love letters like this from American media. They deliver somewhat pink tear to my eye—although that may very well be a touch of blood from the tear gasoline popping out. The solely drawback with the story? Ten paragraphs in, NYT reporters had the gall to casually point out the atrocities which have befallen Chinese residents ever since communism’s 20th century set up. Maybe they’re unaware, however criticism of the CCP shouldn’t be allowed. Luckily, that one sentence was their solely try at honest or balanced reporting, and the remainder of the piece was left to take us all on a whimsical journey of pressured perspective and concern of dissidence.
Reading the piece jogged quite a lot of good reminiscences for me, so I assumed I’d spend this Sunday taking you on a whimsical journey, too. Last yr in the course of the 2020 Summer of Loot, the household and I made a decision to pack up the station wagon and head north to Portland, OR for a weekend of enjoyable, solar, and compliance below the specter of machine weapons. I gassed up the Tesla, the children downloaded TikTookay, and off we went for our personal pilgrimage to Commie Land, America’s personal theme park and misinformation mecca.
Personal automobiles aren’t allowed in Commie Land, so upon arrival we have been herded onto a prepare automobile based on faith (I heard atheism had air con in order that’s what we went with) and shipped into our particular park reception camp. ANTIFA volunteers apathetically met us at our tent, issued us our Commie Land commonplace fatigues, and drew some blood. I assumed the blood was for a COVID take a look at, however truly they have been measuring blood sugar to verify we had skipped breakfast—it’s a must to be somewhat hungry to be allowed within the park. They then smeared my spouse’s mascara and spray-painted my children’ hair purple and inexperienced, and despatched us on our means.
After a ritual swearing-in to the state, and two solar salutations to our supreme chief Bill Gates, we have been free to roam concerning the park till nightfall, at which level the siren would sound and curfew was enacted. I personally wished to go to the Freshman Philosophy Exhibit, the place a white school lady from Cape Cod explains how the ‘right kind’ of communism has by no means actually been tried earlier than. But it was already getting scorching, and the children have been dying to go on a experience, so we zipped on over to Stock Market Crash Mountain, the place the tears of capitalists dropping their life’s financial savings refreshed us. The children have been on cloud 9 and wished to go once more, however they weren’t allowed again on the experience till the complete park had an equitable alternative to experience, which taught them a very good lesson about privilege. Like Mr. Xi typically says, the “red gene” should penetrate the hearts and minds of our youngsters early and infrequently.
At this level, the spray paint fumes have been making us all somewhat queasy. So we determined some lunch may assist, and ventured over to the commissary to get in line for our every day loaf of bread. A candy Muslim Uighur observed that the children have been ravenous and tried to sneak them a number of further crusts, however she was caught by a safety guard, and the gesture ended up costing her a finger. The park’s dedication to equality made my coronary heart swell with delight as we discovered a pleasant nook desk overlooking Protestor’s Row. I wanted to double examine my propaganda pamphlet, however I used to be fairly certain a BLM parade was beginning quickly, and I used to be proper. A couple of minutes later, 4 activists with megaphones and poster board have been harassing me and the household whereas we ate, filming the complete spectacle on their iPhones. The little beads of spit flying from their mouths cooled us down like a spritzing fan as we loved a meal of latent racism and white guilt. The footage of our reeducation made for a fantastic memento from the present store later within the day!
Satisfied however nonetheless somewhat hungry, we then set out searching for some extra rides. But quickly the spouse’s ft began to harm, so we headed over to the Nike retailer to select up some extra comfy footwear. One of my son’s favourite Commie Land characters, LeBron James, was outdoors the shop taking footage and licking boots. After a fast pic, we went inside and discovered that after we had set foot within the sweatshop, the one means out was to truly make a pair of footwear ourselves. In different phrases, our cash was no good however our labor was invaluable, so we settled in and started working. Though we weren’t paid for our effort, the teachings we discovered about contribution and camaraderie have been price far more than a dwelling wage. Nike mentioned we may come again and work at no cost anytime we wished, as they handed my son a field of Space Jam band-aids for his bleeding fingers.
When we reemerged again into the streets of the park, we realized that our pressured labor had taken most of our leisure time, so we began strolling again towards the entrance gates to catch Commie Land’s well-known Martial Law Taser Light Show. As the megawatts hummed mightily within the crisp summer time air, I put my arm round my spouse and thought simply how fortunate I used to be to dwell in a rustic the place the federal government took such nice care of us. The household’s spirits might have been bruised and damaged, however we have been protected and we have been good individuals, filled with empathy, and that’s what issues most. More importantly, although, we have been on the fitting aspect of historical past, and that’s a sense that hyper-inflationary fiat foreign money simply can’t purchase.
So thanks, New York Times, for reminding us all how little foresight is required to do the fitting factor and develop into a communist. Without uncompromising fairness, the world won’t ever fulfill its true calling to drop all exceptionality and ambition and as an alternative elevate the state above all else. Plus, you get to go to enjoyable theme parks and pridefully bear in mind historical past by means of the prism of overcoming evil and vanquishing dangerous guys. It’s actually a Marvel film come to life, and it may all be yours for the low value of every little thing you personal.
Follow TK @outkicktommy. This article was a joke: the writer doesn’t have a spouse and youngsters, and he has by no means been to Commie Land, which isn’t actual. The NYT article, nevertheless, may be very actual.